Who's the Scoutmaster

 

Who's the Scoutmaster

Equipment

None

Preparation

Rehearse!

Action

Trevor: Well, John, welcome to Troop 76, I'm going to be your Patrol Leader.  
John: Look, Trevor, if you're the Patrol Leader, you must know all the members of this troop.  
Trevor: I certainly do.  
John: Well, you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know everybody.  
Trevor: Well, let's see. We can start with the leaders, Who's the Scoutmaster, What's the Senior Patrol Leader, I Don't Know the Advancement Chairman...  
John: That's what I want to find out.  
Trevor: I said, Who's the Scoutmaster, What's SPL, I Don't Know's the Advancement Chair.  
John: Are you a Patrol Leader?  
Trevor: Yes.  
John: And you don't know the fellows' names.  
Trevor: Well, I should.  
John: Well, then, who's the Scoutmaster?  
Trevor: Yes.  
John: I mean the fellow's name.  
Trevor: Who.  
John: The Scoutmaster.  
Trevor: Who.  
John: The man who leads the troop.  
Trevor: Who.  
John: The guy that signs off in your book...  
Trevor: Who is the Scoutmaster!  
John: I'm asking you who's the Scoutmaster.  
Trevor: That's the man's name.  
John: That's who's name?  
Trevor: Yes.  
John: Well, go ahead and tell me.  
Trevor: That's it.  
John: That's who?  
Trevor: Yes.  
PAUSE  
John: Look, you have a Scoutmaster?  
Trevor: Certainly.  
John: Who is it?  
Trevor: That's right.  
John: When you get your Blue Card signed, who signs it?  
Trevor: Every time.  
John: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name that’s the Scoutmaster.  
Trevor: Who.  
John: The guy that signs...  
Trevor: That's it.  
John: Who signs the Blue...  
Trevor: He does, every one. Sometimes his assistant signs it.  
John: Who's assistant?  
Trevor: Yes.  
PAUSE  
Trevor: What's wrong with that?  
John: Look, all I wanna know is, when the Scoutmaster signs your Blue Card, how does he sign his name?  
Trevor: Who.  
John: The guy.  
Trevor: Who.  
John: How does he sign...  
Trevor: That's how he signs it.  
John: Who?  
Trevor: Yes.  
John: All I'm trying to find out is what's the name of the Scoutmaster.  
Trevor: No. What is the Senior Patrol Leader.  
John: I'm not asking you who's the Senior Patrol Leader.  
Trevor: Who's the Scoutmaster.  
John: One leader at a time!  
Trevor: Well, don't change the leaders around.  
John: I'm not changing anybody!  
Trevor: Take it easy, buddy.  
John: I'm only asking you, who's the guy that’s the Scoutmaster?  
Trevor: That's right.  
John: Ok.  
Trevor: All right.  
PAUSE  
John: What's the guy's name right there? (pointing to the SM)  
Trevor: No. What is the Senior Patrol Leader.  
John: I'm not asking you who's SPL.  
Trevor: Who's the Scoutmaster.  
John: I don't know.  
Trevor: He's Advancement Chairman. We're not talking about him.  
John: Now, how did I get to the Advancement Chair?  
Trevor: Why, you mentioned his name.  
John: If I mentioned the Advancement Chairman's name, who did I say it was?  
Trevor: No. Who's the Scoutmaster.  
John: What's the Scoutmaster?  
Trevor: What's the SPL.  
John: I don't know.  
Trevor: He's the Advancement Chair.  
John: There I go, back to the Advancement Chairman again!  
PAUSE  
John: Would you just stay with the Advancement Chairman and don't go off of him.  
Trevor: All right. What do you want to know?  
John: Now, who's the Advancement Chairman?  
Trevor: Why do you insist on putting Who as the Advancement Chair?  
John: What am I putting as Advancement Chair?  
Trevor: No. What is the SPL.  
John: You don't know who’s the SPL?  
Trevor: Who is the Scoutmaster.  
John: I don't know.  
Together: Advancement Chair!  
PAUSE  
John: Look, you have other leaders?  
Trevor: Sure.  
John: The Quartermaster's name?  
Trevor: Why.  
John: I just thought I'd ask you.  
Trevor: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.  
John: Then tell me who's the Quartermaster.  
Trevor: Who's the Scoutmaster.  
John: I'm not...stay out of the Adult Leaders!!! I want to know what's the guy's name of the Quartermaster?  
Trevor: No, What is the SPL.  
John: I'm not asking you who's SPL.  
Trevor: Who's the Scoutmaster!  
John: I don't know.  
Together: Advancement Chair!  
PAUSE  
John: The Quartermaster's name?  
Trevor: Why.  
John: Because!  
Trevor: Oh, he's Crew Chief.  
PAUSE  
John: Look, you got a Scribe in this troop?  
Trevor: Sure.  
John: The Scribe's name?  
Trevor: Tomorrow.  
John: You don't want to tell me today?  
Trevor: I'm telling you now.  
John: Then go ahead.  
Trevor: Tomorrow!  
John: What time?  
Trevor: What time what?  
John: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's the Scribe?  
Trevor: Now listen. Who is not the Scribe.  
John: I'll break your arm if you say who's the Scoutmaster!!! I want to know what's the Scribe's name?  
Trevor: What's the SPL.  
John: I don't know.  
Together: Advancement Chair!  
PAUSE  
John: You got an Assistant Senior Patrol Leader?  
Trevor: Certainly.  
John: The ASPL's name?  
Trevor: Today.  
John: Today. And tomorrow's the Scribe.  
Trevor: Now you've got it.  
John: All we got is a couple of days in this troop.  
PAUSE  
John: You know I'm Star too.  
Trevor: So they tell me.  
John: I need some merit badges for Life. I get a Blue Card and a councilor’s name from I Don’t Know. Being a good Scout, I’m gonna get the Scoutmaster’s signature. So I pick up the blue card and bring it to who?  
Trevor: Now that's the first thing you've said right all night.  
John: I don't even know what I'm talking about!  
PAUSE  
Trevor: That's all you have to do.  
John: Is to bring the Blue Card to the Scoutmaster?  
Trevor: Yes!  
John: Now who's got it?  
Trevor: Naturally.  
PAUSE  
John: Look, if I bring the Blue Card to the Scoutmaster, somebody's gotta have it. Now, who has it?  
Trevor: Naturally.  
John: Who?  
Trevor: Naturally.  
John: Naturally?  
Trevor: Naturally.  
John: So I pick up the Blue Card and bring it to Naturally.  
Trevor: No, you don't. You pick up the Blue Card and bring it to Who.  
John: Naturally.  
Trevor: That's different.  
John: That's what I said.  
Trevor: You're not saying it...  
John: I bring the Blue Card to Naturally.  
Trevor: You bring it to Who.  
John: Naturally.  
Trevor: That's it.  
John: That's what I said!  
Trevor: You ask me.  
John: I bring the Blue Card to who?  
Trevor: Naturally.  
John: Now you ask me.  
Trevor: You bring the Blue Card to Who?  
John: Naturally.  
Trevor: That's it.  
John: Same as you! Same as YOU!!!  
I bring the Blue Card to who. Who picks up the card signs it and gives it to What. What gives it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know signs it and gives it back to Who. Signed Blue Card! Another guy brings his Blue Card to Because. Why? I don't know! He's the Advancement Chair, and I don't give a darn!  
Trevor: What?  
John: I said I don't give a darn!  
Trevor: Oh, that's our Committee Chairman.  

Contributor

Gillespie Chris

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