The Shooting Contest
Costumes for Billy Bob and Bobby Joe, two rifles, straw hat and wig, 30 feet of fishing line, two goofy hats, shooting stand [sheet over 2x4's], five plates with taped backs, hammer, and blindfold or bandana. For intro, music helps - try "Beverly Hills Billy" theme song.
Works best if players rehearse skit at least once before the show.
Music starts. Billy Bob and Bobby Joe come walking out (dressed as hicks) to the middle of the auditorium. On stage there is a wood frame (6' x 6') covered with a sheet. Hanging from the sheet are four porcelain dishes. Sitting on the stage, is another Hill Billy with a straw hat (not paying any attention to anybody).
Billy Bob: Bobby Joe, I'm so happy that you've recovered from your wounds. Good thang I didn't hit anything important!
Bobby Joe: Billy Bob, you can say that again. I can't hardly believe that we gots ourselves in a fight over a girly friend!
Billy Bob: Me neither! But I gots to tell ya…My Ruby Mae Bognia, she's worth it!
Bobby Joe: Well heck! So's my Ruby Mae Bognia!
Billy Bob: I know! I Know! Let's not start that again. I can ill-afford another bullet in the cranium. (pointing to head) I already set off every metal detector near the road from here to Bristol. Matter of fact, because of you (pointing to Bobby Joe), I couldn't visit my Mama on Mother's Day. Them darn prison officials (shaking head back and forth)…
Bobby Joe: Okay, Okay…I feel bad enough already that she's in prison. I keep thinking that if I hadn't talked your Mama into trying some of that Wolf Juice, maybe she wouldn't be in jail today. Although, you must admit…She had the strangest reaction.
Billy Bob: I know…Don't remind me…I'm trying not to think about it…(shaking head back and forth)
Bobby Joe: But hey Billy Bob, let's not get all sad and stupid…(pause)…Okay, maybe it's too late for that…But let's do what we came out here for!
Billy Bob: Sounds good to me. Once and for all, I'm going to prove to everybody that I can shoot better than any man alive, and in par-tic-u-lar, better than you…You pond scum drinking! Fly snatching! Lilly-pad jumping! Insect-eating! Lizard-lipped! HORN- TOAD!
Bobby Joe: I have no problem with that! Because when we're through, everybody will know that I'm the best!…You slow witted! Web-footed! Turkey-necked! Worm-eating! Feather-loving! BUZZARD!
Billy Bob: I think I've heard enough chit-chat! Let's get this here shooting contest under way!
Bobby Joe: Fine!
Billy Bob: Fine!
Billy Bob: Hey Bobby Joe! Isn't that your sister sitting next to them there targets.
Bobby Joe: Afraid so! She's always in the wrong place at the wrong time! Why don't you get her attention.
Billy Bob: No problem Bobby Joe. (Billy Bob points gun towards her…says - Bang! Backstage helper pulls fishing line connected to hat. Hat goes flying off her head).
Bobby Joe: Are you crazy! You went and shot my favorite hat off my sister's head!
Billy Bob: Relax gizzard brains! I didn't shoot your favorite hat! I shot the man sitting back stage holding the string that was attached to your favorite hat! (Backstage helper hits the stage with his hand causing a thud as if someone fell to the ground).
Bobby Joe: Oh! Well thank you Billy Bob. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Billy Bob: Let's get this here contest started…You first Bobby Joe.
Bobby Joe: My pleasure Billy Bob. (Bobby Joe aims… say - Bang! Backstage helper breaks one of the plates with a hammer from behind the sheet. Note, there is masking take crisscrossing the plate from behind so that it doesn't fly all over the place).
Billy Bob: Nice shot bucket-head!
Bobby Joe: Thanks…
Billy Bob: Now, let me show you what a real man can do! I call this my slow-motion shot. (Billy Bob aims… say - Bang! Wait five seconds…One of the plates gets broken from behind the sheet.)
Bobby Joe walks with the bullet staring at it as it slowly goes toward the stage…As he whips his head around to look at the stage - Backstage helper breaks the plate.
Bobby Joe: That's not bad for a Tiger-chasing, Bear chip-gobbling, Wolf juice-guzzling, "Smelly old Bobcat" like yourself! (pause) But lets get serious. Blindfold please. (Billy Bob hands Bobby Joe a blindfold. Bobby Joe puts on blindfold and aims at the ceiling in the opposite direction… say - Bang! One of the plates gets broken from behind the sheet.)
Billy Bob: (shaking his head side to side)…I'm not even going to ask how that shot was made…
Bobby Joe: Try not to think about Billy Bob …It'll only hurt your brain. Yep, I think that shot pretty much settles it…Don't you think?…Or do I have to embarrass ya some more?!
Billy Bob: Hold on…you Wolf juice-pushing, Mama-bashing, Cheese-throwing! Nija Turtle! I have one more shot! I call it - "THE AROUND THE WORLD SHOT". That's right…I'm going to fire this here gun and the bullet is going to go over that there target, cycle the entire world, come back down from behind us, and hit that there plate! What do ya have to say to that?!
Bobby Joe: I'll believe it when I see it!
Billy Bob: Get ready to become a believer, buddy! (Billy Bob aims and then lowers gun) By the way, when I shoot and that baby comes back around, you better duck!…Or jump! I'm not sure which…but you better get it right buddy or you'll be a hurtin! If you know what I mean! (Billy Bob laughs, raises gun, and aims again)
Bobby Joe: Well thanks for the warning Billy Bob. Personally, I'm a planning to duck. But in your case…May I recommend jumping.
Billy Bob: (Billy Bob lowers gun again) Why's that Bobby Joe?
Bobby Joe: I figure, if you guess wrong and it hits you head, you gots less to lose that way! (laugh and snort).
Billy Bob: Now you've gone and done it! (pause) We'll see who's laughing after this shot! (Billy Bob raises gun and takes aim again)…say - Bang!
Billy Bob: Whistle sound - There it goes! I think I can still see the bullet.- whistle - Its leaving the atmosphere.- whistle - Its heading for Bowie's Local Truck Stop: "Hey, Billy Bob, Was that a bullet?…
Bobby Joe: You Were Lucky!
Billy Bob: Whistle sound - Its heading west - whistle - Rosewell, New Mexico
Bobby Joe: "The humans are revolting!"
Billy Bob: Whistle sound - California
Bobby Joe: "Hey dude…Was that a bullet! Narly!"
Billy Bob: Whistle sound - Its crossing the Pacific - whistle - Japan
Bobby Joe: "I'm Kung FOOD, Master of Food Weaponry." (Kung FOOD is a reference to another skit)
Billy Bob: Whistle sound - Russia
Bobby Joe: "Da…Ya…Dats a bullet…Ya…Da"
Billy Bob: Whistle sound - France
Bobby Joe: "Stupid Americans!"
Billy Bob: Whistle sound - London
Bobby Joe: "By George, I think that was a bullet."
Billy Bob: Whistle sound - Its crossing the Atlantic…Here it comes - Bowie's Local Truck Stop
Together: "YES, Lucky!!!"
Billy Bob: Whistle sound - Its getting very close!
Both guys duck and one of the plates gets broken from behind the sheet. Billy Bob struts around auditorium…
Billy Bob: Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about!!
Bobby Joe: (shaking his side to side) I've seen it all. Buddy, you are the best!
Billy Bob: And don't you forget it!
Music starts again - (Beverly Hill Billy).
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