Action
[enter Head scientist]
Head Scientist: I am very close to finishing my very important experiment. All I need now is some plutonium; but plutonium costs a lot of money and I don't have any left. Hey, I know, I'll sell sticks. [picks up 5 sticks] But wait, I'm too busy to sell sticks. I know, I'll have my lab assistant sell them. Oh (name of lab assistant), come here, I have a job for you.
[enter lab assistant]
Lab Assistant: Yes mister Head Scientist, What do you want me to do?
Head Scientist: I need money to buy Plutonium, so I want you to sell these sticks. [hands sticks to Lab Assistant]
Lab Assistant: How do I do that?
Head Scientist: Just say, "Sticks for sale," to everyone that comes by, okay.
Lab Assistant: Okay.
[exit Head Scientist]
Lab Assistant: Sticks for sale, sticks for sale
[enter Customer 1, from left. Lab Assistant runs up to him]
Lab Assistant: Sticks for sale! [eccentrically puts sticks in Customer 1's face]
Customer 1: Sticks? Well how much are they?
Lab Assistant: Um, [counts sticks] there's five of them
Customer 1: No, no, how much money do they cost?
Lab Assistant: Oh, sticks for sale.
Customer 1:ohhkay [starts inching away] I have to go (insert random verb and noun here; such as "peel eggplants") [runs off-stage]
Lab Assistant: But, sticks for sale [runs after customer 1 but stops just before going off-stage]
Lab Assistant: Sticks for sale [dishearteningly]
[enter Head Scientist]
Head Scientist: Well, did you sell any sticks?
Lab Assistant: No, I didn't.
Head Scientist: Why not? what happened?
Lab Assistant:Well, this funny-lookin' guy came by and I said sticks for sale, just like you said, but then he asked me a funny question.
Head Scientist: What funny question?
Lab Assistant: He said, “how much moneys are they.”
Head Scientist: If they ask how much money they cost then you say two [holds up 2 fingers] for five [holds up 5 fingers], or five [holds up 5 fingers] for ten [holds up 10 fingers].
Lab Assistant: Oh, okay. so I say two[holds up 2 fingers] for[holds up 4 fingers] five[holds up 5 fingers], or five [holds up 5 fingers] for[holds up 4 fingers] uhhh,[looks at hand full of sticks] hold these [hands sticks to Head Scientist] !ten [quickly holds up 10 fingers] give'em back! [takes sticks]
Head Scientist: Yeah, that's right. I have to go but I'll be back soon.
[exit Head Scientist]
Lab Assistant: Sticks for sale! [with new enthusiasm]
[enter Customer 2, from right. Lab Assistant runs up to him]
Lab Assistant: Sticks for sale! [eccentrically puts sticks in Customer 2's face]
Customer 2: Oh, how much are they?
Lab Assistant: Uhh, oh, I know this one. They're two[holds up 2 fingers] for[holds up 4 fingers] five[holds up 5 fingers], or five [holds up 5 fingers] for[holds up 4 fingers] uhhh,[looks at hand full of sticks] hold these [hands sticks to Customer 2] ten give'em back! [holds up 10 fingers quickly and takes back sticks].
Customer 2: are they any good?
Lab Assistant: Uhhh, sticks for sale.
Customer 2: what? that doesn't make sense.
Lab assistant: Uhhh, two for five and five for ten.
Customer 2: right, uhhh [starts inching towards exit] I have to go (insert different random verb and noun). [runs off-stage]
Lab Assistant: but, sticks for sale [runs after customer 2 but stops just before going off-stage]
Lab Assistant: sticks for sale [dishearteningly]
[enter Head Scientist]
Head Scientist: Well, did you sell any sticks?
Lab Assistant: No, I didn't
Head Scientist: Why not this time?
Lab Assistant: Well, this funny-smellin' guy came by and I said sticks for sale, just like you said, and then he asked how much are they and I said two for five and five for ten, just like you said, but then he asked me another funny question.
Head Scientist: What funny question did he ask you?
Lab Assistant: He said, are they any good.
Head Scientist: Look, if they ask, are they any good, then you say, some are and some are not, okay
Lab Assistant: Okay!
[exit Head Scientist]
Lab Assistant: Sticks for sale! [with new enthusiasm]
[enter Customer 3, from left. Lab Assistant runs up to him]
Lab Assistant: Sticks for sale! [eccentrically puts sticks in Customer 3's face]
Customer 3: How much are they?
Lab Assistant: They're two[holds up 2 fingers] for[holds up 4 fingers] five[holds up 5 fingers], or five [holds up 5 fingers] for[holds up 4 fingers] uhhh,[looks at hand full of sticks] hold these [hands sticks to Customer 3] ten give'em back! [quickly holds up 10 fingers then takes back sticks].
Customer 3: Are they any good?
Lab Assistant: Uhh, oh, I know this one. Some are and some are not.
Customer 3: Well I see people selling sticks all the time. Why should I buy them from you?
Lab Assistant: Uhhh, sticks for sale
Customer 3: That doesn't make any sense.
Lab Assistant: Two for five and five for ten.[desperately] Some are, some aren't!
Customer 3: [inches towards exit] I have to go (insert different random verb and noun). [runs off-stage]
Lab Assistant: But, sticks for sale [runs after customer 3 but stops just before going off-stage]
Lab Assistant: sticks for sale [dishearteningly]
[enter Head Scientist]
Head Scientist: Did you sell any sticks?
Lab Assistant: No, [looking down] I didn't
Head Scientist: What? What happened this time?
Lab Assistant:Well, this funny-soundin' guy came by and I said sticks for sale, just like you said, and then he asked how much are they and I said two for five and five for ten, just like you said, then he asked, are they any good, and I said some are and some are not, but then he asked me another funny question.
Head Scientist: What funny question did he ask you this time?
Lab Assistant: He said, why should I buy them from you.
Head Scientist: When they ask, why should I buy them from you, you say, “If you don't, somebody else will.” got it?
Lab Assistant: yeah, I think I got it.
Head Scientist: Okay, I have a few things to take care of now.
[exit Head Scientist]
Lab Assistant: sticks for sale! [with new enthusiasm]
[enter Customer 4, from right, holding object. Lab Assistant runs up to him]
Lab Assistant: Sticks for sale! [eccentrically puts sticks in Customer 4's face and accidentally knocks object out of his hands]
Customer 4: [angrily] Do you know how much that cost me!?!
Lab Assistant: Oh, I know this one. They're two[holds up 2 fingers] for[holds up 4 fingers] five[holds up 5 fingers], or five [holds up 5 fingers] for[holds up 4 fingers] uhhh, [looks at hand full of sticks] hold these [hands sticks to Customer 4] ten give'em back! [holds up 10 fingers quickly and takes back the sticks].
Customer 4: [more angrily] Is your whole family like this!?!
Lab Assistant: Oh, I know this one too. Some are and some are not.
Customer 4: [even more angrily] Give me one good reason why me and my posse [enter all customers and posse members] shouldn't beat you up.
Lab Assistant: Hey, I know this one again. If you don't, somebody else will. Aaaagh!!
Customer 4: !get him! [all chase Lab Assistant off-stage].
Equipment
4 or 5 sticks, object (can be anything that you can pretend is valuable: pocket watch, pen, wooden notebook [also known as a wood board], tin can, leaf, you get the idea).
Preparation
Characters: Head Scientist, Lab assistant(ignorant eccentricity, excessive gesticulation, and a funny accent is preferred; but be careful not to sound like a special needs person as this may offend some people and that's never good), Customer 1, Customer 2, Customer 3, Customer 4, and maybe a couple posse members(optional).
Skit ContributorWaldo from camp CSI, in UT
Score
Date Entered10-Jun-2007
