SETTING: A Movie Director, the Owner of the Glug Soda Company, and a Cameraman are at a film studio, trying to film a commercial for Glug Soda
DIRECTOR: Okay, Mr. Big. We're ready to start filming your commercial for Glug Soda. You said you wanted someone hot and sweaty act as Spokesman, so I've hired a few actors to play the roll. Let's try it with Actor #1 first. Ready, everyone? [points to cameraman] Okay, ROLL! CAMERAS!
CLAPBOARD GUY [slapping clapboard]: GLUG SODA COMMERCIAL, TAKE ONE!
COWBOY SPOKESMAN [removing cowboy hat and wiping imaginary sweat off his brow]: Phew! After a hard day of ropin' and gunfightin' and chasin' bad guys, nothin' soothes my achin' doggies like the cool, wet taste of Glug Soda!
OWNER: No, no, no! I admit that Cowboys are hot and sweaty, but they also spend their time covered in mud and smelling like cows! I don't want someone like that representing Glug Soda! I demand that you get me someone who's clean and doesn't smell like a campfire!
DIRECTOR. Ummm …. Okay! Well, let's try this a different way. Actor #2, are you ready? [points to cameraman] ROLL CAMERAS!
CLAPBOARD GUY [slapping clapboard]: GLUG SODA COMMERCIAL, TAKE TWO!
BASKETBALL SPOKESMAN [dribbling basketball]: After an hour of pounding the boards, a dude's gotta do what a dude's gotta do. And that's heading for the nearest can of Glug soda …
OWNER: No, no, no! I admit he's hot, sweaty, clean and non-stinky, but do you think I'm a billionaire or something? I can't afford to hire a major league basketball player as a Spokesman! I demand that you get me a Spokesman I can afford!
DIRECTOR: Well, okay … I suppose we can try something else. Is Actor #3 ready to go? He is? Okay … let's give this a shot! [looks at cameraman] ROLL CAMERAS!
CLAPBOARD GUY [slapping clapboard]: GLUG SODA COMMERCIAL, TAKE THREE!
BULLFIGHTER SPOKESMAN [waving red cloth]: Ola! I am Alisandro, the famous bullfighter! In my country, we like to top off a hard day of bullfighting by drinking many cans of icy cold Glug soda!
OWNER: No, no, no! I admit he's hot, sweaty, clean, non-stinky and cheap. But I'm not trying to sell Glug Soda in Spain, I'm trying to sell it here in the U.S.A! I demand a spokesman that symbolizes American culture!
DIRECTOR: Fine … it's your money we're wasting! Can you get me another actor back there? Yes? [looks at cameraman] ROLL CAMERAS!
CLAPBOARD GUY [slapping clapboard]: GLUG SODA COMMERCIAL, TAKE FOUR!
[Loud rock music starts; Rock Star Spokesman dances on stage playing air guitar]
ROCK STAR SPOKESMAN [waiting until music stops to talk]: Rock on with Glug soda!
OWNER. No, no, no! I admit he's hot, sweaty, clean, non-stinky, cheap, and represents American culture, but I'm not going to stand by and let some long-haired hippy representing Glug Soda! I demand that you get me someone who's patriotic!
DIRECTOR [Now thoroughly fed up]: Yeah … right! [looks offstage] Have we got another actor back there? We do? Thank goodness! Okay, bring him out! [points to cameraman] ROLL CAMERAS!
CLAPBOARD GUY [slapping clapboard]: GLUG SODA COMMERCIAL, TAKE FIVE!
PRESIDENT SPOKESMAN [waving a flag with one hand and waving to the crowd with the other]: My fellow Americans … you may remember me from when I was President of the United States! Let me tell you, nothing makes a person sweat like getting questioned before a hostile Congress! That's why I've switched to Glug soda!
OWNER: THAT'S IT! Hot, sweaty, clean, non-stinky, cheap, represents American culture and patriotic too! Wonderful! Fabulous! Ideal!
DIRECTOR [still looking fed up]: Well, thank goodness for that! THAT'S A WRAP!
CAMERAMAN: Wait a minute …
[Everyone turns from what they're doing to glare angrily at him.]
DIRECTOR: What do you mean, wait a minute? We’ve been here all day filming this stupid commercial!
CAMERAMAN [cowering]: I guess that explains why I ran out of film!
Bottle of GLUG SODA (make your own), fake clapboard, fake film camera, chair, cowboy hat, basketball, red cloth or blanket, small US flag on stick.
Skit ContributorJeanette Thomas
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