Road Apple


Road Apple


Book Chinese Handcuffs Rock or other object to serve as 'apple' 1 Wise Man 1 Bossy Guy 1 Patsy


Place 'apple' center stage Wise Man should be as far back and stage left as possible while still being seen, or seated on a table (mountain), with his legs crossed. Bossy & Patsy should be offstage, right.


The two travelers walk across the stage until they come across the ‘road apple’ at center stage. Flummoxed, they go up the hill to consult the wise man, who is reading a book upside-down and looking perplexed. He lays the book down and looks up at Bossy and Patsy. Bossy: O Wise Man, we have come across something in the road, which we believe is a ‘road apple’. What should we do? Wise: (After thinking) You should go down and smell it. See if it smells like ‘road apple’ The travelers return to the road apple. Bossy: You! Get down there and smell it! See if it smells like ‘road apple’ Patsy: (whining) But Boss… Bossy: Do it! Patsy: (gets down on hands and knees, buries his nose in the ‘road apple’ and takes a deep, melodramatic whiff. He jumps up quickly, making a face and nodding vigorously and says) Oh yeah, that smells like ‘road apple’, Boss. The two trek back up the hill to the wise man, who has his fingers stuck in one of those Chinese Handcuffs, and is completely baffled by it. He rests his hands in his lap, and looks up to see… Bossy: O Wise One, we have smelled it, and it smells like ‘road apple’ Patsy: It sure does! (Bossy smacks him and he cowers) Wise: Hmm, just to be sure, you should feel it. Bossy: (Patsy is shaking his head no while Bossy tries to get him to stop and says) OK, Wise One, we’ll feel it. They travel back to the ‘road apple’. Bossy: Well, what are you waiting for, get down there and feel it! See if it feels like ‘road apple’! Patsy: (resigned) OK, whatever you say, Boss. (He gets down slowly on his hands and knees, reaches out with great trepidation, and barely touches it.) Bossy: That’s not enough! Give it a good feel, like this! (He reaches down, and before he knows it has a big, sticky handful of ‘road apple’. He makes a disgusted face, and wipes his hand all over Patsy, who tries to run away, but can’t) Patsy: Well, Boss? Does it feel like ‘road apple’? (looking just a little too happy) Bossy: (dejected by his own stupidity) Yeah, it feels like ‘road apple’ The two return to the Wise Man on the hill, who is playing patty cake with himself, but can’t quite figure out how each hand can clap by itself. Bossy: O Wise One, we have smelled it, and felt it (Patsy snickers), and it sure smells and feels like ‘road apple’. What should we do? Wise: Well, just to be really, really sure… (Bossy and Patsy nod inquiringly… then realize what they are doing and stop) You should taste it! (Simultaneously) Patsy: Noooo! Bossy: OK, whatever you say. Bossy grabs Patsy by the shoulder, and they struggle back to the ‘road apple’ Bossy: All right, I’m not falling for that again! Get down there and taste that thing! Patsy: (whining) But Boss! Bossy: (threatening) Do it! Patsy makes a big show of getting down on his hands and knees, putting his finger into the ‘road apple’, obviously not wanting to taste it (who would!), and revealing his inner struggle to do what his ‘friend’ says, but not wanting to eat what he believes is poo. Finally, his loyalty to Bossy wins, and he tastes it. He recoils, makes a horrible face and begins spitting dramatically. Bossy: Well? Patsy: (choking and spitting) Yeah Boss, it tastes like ‘road apple’ (Bossy turns to head back up the mountain, and Patsy gets up behind him, surreptitiously wiping his finger on Bossy as they return to the Wise Man. The Wise Man is talking to himself, pointing at himself first with his left hand, then with his right, saying “You’re the Man! No, you’re the Man! No, you’re the Man!" He sees the two approach and stops. Bossy: O Wise One, we have smelled it (Patsy makes a face), we have felt it (Bossy makes a face), and we have tasted it (Patsy makes a face, then snickers as he points to the place where he wiped his finger). It smells like ‘road apple’. It feels like ‘road apple’. It tastes like ‘road apple’. What should we do? Wise Man: Well, you say it smells like ‘road apple’? (they nod). And you say it feels like ‘road apple’? (They nod again). AND you say it tastes like ‘road apple’? (They nod even more vigorously). Hmmmm...(he’s thinking hard). Well, then, it’s probably ‘road apple’. You should go around it. (Bossy and Patsy simultaneously smack themselves in the foreheads and fall down).


Jill Chapin


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