Glug Soda Commercial
Bottle of GLUG SODA (make your own), fake clapboard, fake film camera, chair, cowboy hat, basketball, red cloth or blanket, small US flag on stick.
SETTING: A Movie Director, the Owner of the Glug Soda Company, and a Cameraman are at a film studio, trying to film a commercial for Glug Soda DIRECTOR: Okay, Mr. Big. We're ready to start filming your commercial for Glug Soda. You said you wanted someone hot and sweaty act as Spokesman, so I've hired a few actors to play the roll. Let's try it with Actor #1 first. Ready, everyone? [points to cameraman] Okay, ROLL! CAMERAS! CLAPBOARD GUY [slapping clapboard]: GLUG SODA COMMERCIAL, TAKE ONE! COWBOY SPOKESMAN [removing cowboy hat and wiping imaginary sweat off his brow]: Phew! After a hard day of ropin' and gunfightin' and chasin' bad guys, nothin' soothes my achin' doggies like the cool, wet taste of Glug Soda! OWNER: No, no, no! I admit that Cowboys are hot and sweaty, but they also spend their time covered in mud and smelling like cows! I don't want someone like that representing Glug Soda! I demand that you get me someone who's clean and doesn't smell like a campfire! DIRECTOR. Ummm …. Okay! Well, let's try this a different way. Actor #2, are you ready? [points to cameraman] ROLL CAMERAS! CLAPBOARD GUY [slapping clapboard]: GLUG SODA COMMERCIAL, TAKE TWO! BASKETBALL SPOKESMAN [dribbling basketball]: After an hour of pounding the boards, a dude's gotta do what a dude's gotta do. And that's heading for the nearest can of Glug soda … OWNER: No, no, no! I admit he's hot, sweaty, clean and non-stinky, but do you think I'm a billionaire or something? I can't afford to hire a major league basketball player as a Spokesman! I demand that you get me a Spokesman I can afford! DIRECTOR: Well, okay … I suppose we can try something else. Is Actor #3 ready to go? He is? Okay … let's give this a shot! [looks at cameraman] ROLL CAMERAS! CLAPBOARD GUY [slapping clapboard]: GLUG SODA COMMERCIAL, TAKE THREE! BULLFIGHTER SPOKESMAN [waving red cloth]: Ola! I am Alisandro, the famous bullfighter! In my country, we like to top off a hard day of bullfighting by drinking many cans of icy cold Glug soda! OWNER: No, no, no! I admit he's hot, sweaty, clean, non-stinky and cheap. But I'm not trying to sell Glug Soda in Spain, I'm trying to sell it here in the U.S.A! I demand a spokesman that symbolizes American culture! DIRECTOR: Fine … it's your money we're wasting! Can you get me another actor back there? Yes? [looks at cameraman] ROLL CAMERAS! CLAPBOARD GUY [slapping clapboard]: GLUG SODA COMMERCIAL, TAKE FOUR! [Loud rock music starts; Rock Star Spokesman dances on stage playing air guitar] ROCK STAR SPOKESMAN [waiting until music stops to talk]: Rock on with Glug soda! OWNER. No, no, no! I admit he's hot, sweaty, clean, non-stinky, cheap, and represents American culture, but I'm not going to stand by and let some long-haired hippy representing Glug Soda! I demand that you get me someone who's patriotic! DIRECTOR [Now thoroughly fed up]: Yeah … right! [looks offstage] Have we got another actor back there? We do? Thank goodness! Okay, bring him out! [points to cameraman] ROLL CAMERAS! CLAPBOARD GUY [slapping clapboard]: GLUG SODA COMMERCIAL, TAKE FIVE! PRESIDENT SPOKESMAN [waving a flag with one hand and waving to the crowd with the other]: My fellow Americans … you may remember me from when I was President of the United States! Let me tell you, nothing makes a person sweat like getting questioned before a hostile Congress! That's why I've switched to Glug soda! OWNER: THAT'S IT! Hot, sweaty, clean, non-stinky, cheap, represents American culture and patriotic too! Wonderful! Fabulous! Ideal! DIRECTOR [still looking fed up]: Well, thank goodness for that! THAT'S A WRAP! CAMERAMAN: Wait a minute … [Everyone turns from what they're doing to glare angrily at him.] DIRECTOR: What do you mean, wait a minute? We’ve been here all day filming this stupid commercial! CAMERAMAN [cowering]: I guess that explains why I ran out of film!
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